What's Wrong With Steve?

Hi Steve,

I know this is a long shot…but I was wondering if you could settle a decade plus old argument? Years ago I saw you at Maple Leaf Gardens, (Amorica Tour). I believe that you played a much funkier, slower, greasy version of “Hard to Handle”. I brought it back to the rest of my band (of which I am the drummer) and layed down my best SG impression. They liked it, and we covered the song that way for quite a while. However, they were also in attendance of the show and claim that you played it straight… and it was simply my altered state of perception that led me to hear the groove the way I did. Could you please solve this mystery and let me know if I heard something that just wasn’t happening?

Ryan

Ryan

Ahh yes, March 16, 1995.  I have thought about that night many, many times in the last 14 years. That night is stamped in my brain.  That night is etched in my memory bank.  That night is permanently engraved deep within my psyche.  That was a night that my greatest hopes and greatest fears were simultaneously realized.

You see, Ryan, that was the night that Western Kentucky played Michigan in the NCAA tournament.  Think about it – my beloved Hilltoppers squaring off against my only slightly less beloved Wolverines, and there I sat, backstage in a foreign land, watching the game and unable to share the moment with anyone who cared about the outcome on any appreciable level.

Make no mistake, I wanted WKU to prevail, but I hated to see Michigan bounced in the first round.  Talk about mixed emotions – I was all over the place!  WKU won the game, in OT no less, 82-76.  I was drained, but also exhilarated.

It was kind of like watching your two best friends fight – you quickly realize which one is actually your very best friend, and which one is ultimately just a close friend.  Man, I tell you, it seems like yesterday.

As for the gig…haven’t got a clue, man.  Sorry.  If you say we played “Hard to Handle”, I’ll take your word for it.  I have no recollection at all.

I can tell you this though:  while you were giving my groove your chemically enhanced once over that night, I was undoubtedly thinking about:

A)  Kansas looming in the second round…(we got jobbed by the refs as it turned out)

B)  How long we would be successful with Coach Kilcullen… (not long, as it turned out)

and

C)  Whether or not Darren Horn were as big a punk as I thought he was… (Absolutely, as it turned out.)

I hope this helps.

SG

Steve

With the election for New Jersey Governor just weeks away, I wonder if you can clear something up?  Should I be concerned the state is facing a two billion dollar deficit and the current Governor is spending a million dollars a day (of his own money) for election to an office that he takes a $1.00 a year salary?

Mike

Mike

I can’t even begin to formulate an answer as to whether or not you should be concerned, as I just can’t get over the fact that someone with that kind of money chooses to live in New Jersey.  Different strokes, I guess.

SG

Steve

Beatles or Stones?  Peace.

ECreat

ECreat

The answer would be the same if the question were Beatles or anything else on earth?

Beatles.

Peace.

SG

Hey Steve

I’ve been thinking about buying a Ludwig Vistalite kit. It goes without saying that I’m no Bonham, but something about see-through drums just makes fireworks and carnival rides and dancing monkeys etc happen in my

brain.

Is this a wise purchase?

Regards,

Kieran

Kieran

This is important, so pay attention:  ANYTHING on earth that makes fireworks, carnival rides, and dancing monkeys “happen in your brain” is worth buying and keeping forever.

Unfortunately, for some poor souls, a purchase with this kind of upside would involve late nights in seedy motel parking lots, paranoia fueled eons of hermit like behavior, limited participation in their own dental maintenance, and potential jail time.

You, however, are asking about a perfectly legal, albeit sonically questionable, choice of a drum kit.

Yes, Kieran, this is a wise purchase.  Go get that badboy.  Just don’t ask me how to tune it.

SG

(But, hey, if you happen to figure out that tuning thing, let me know.)

Steve,

I have just recently gotten into soccer and the first game I saw was a Manchester United game which they won. I keep getting shit from other soccer fans saying I am nothing but a front runner and I have no comeback. What do you suggest?

JC

JC

I suggest you two things:

1) Replace Manchester United with Arsenal.

2) Forget about a comeback.  You won’t need one as an Arsenal man.  Put that cannon on your chest and feel better about yourself than you have in years.

SG

Dear Steve,

I am a student attending the University of Miami studying political science while preparing to pursue a law degree. I am just now begining work on my honors thesis and need some help with my research, I promise to quote you as a source. So my question is, given the current hostile political climate in the US as well as the continuing failure of our educational system to compete in a rapidly globalizing world combined with a declining economy, can the US remain a superpower into the next decade and, if so, how can this be achieved? Thank you very much for your help.

JerUM

JerUM

Let’s see now…Can a country that privatizes prisons, outsources all manufacturing, allows endless loopholes in legislation for corporations to avoid paying taxes, views health care as a privilege and not a right, has eliminated the press as the true keeper of democracy’s flame, and happens to be owned by China…Can that country compete in the future?

Nope!

SG

Steve,

I’m coming to you with a question that has been tearing my school apart for the past 2 years. In a fight between a cheetah and a hippopotamus who would come out victorious?  Keep in mind that this fight would take place in an arena that appeals to both of the creatures habitats. By this i mean half is a “wetland”-esque setting, and the other half is an African plain setting.

Brian

Brian

I don’t know where you go to school, but I do know that it’s MY kind of school.  This is just the sort of dilemma kids need to focus on nowadays to stay awake through algebra.

I appreciate the fact that you are giving each combatant a potentially advantageous setting for this two round bout.  It shows that you care enough to get the most out of this contest and that you appreciate a fair fight.

But, as I see it, your effort is moot – the hippo wins hands down.

No matter how you slice it or dice it, that cheetah is going down; most likely with a large number of broken bones and two lungs full of water.

Let’s look at a few facts about each species:

The average adult male cheetah weighs in anywhere from 130-150 pounds.  Let’s call it 150, just for shits and giggles.  The average adult male hippo weighs in anywhere between 3500 – 4000 pounds.  (Older males, of course, have checked in at well over 7000 pounds, but we’ll pick a bull in his prime for this bout.)  Let’s say our boy tips the scales at 3750 pounds.  That puts him at 25 times the cheetah’s weight!  Think about it for a second.  Are you worried about anything (non- venomous) that’s 1/25th of your weight?

Something else to consider:  Cheetahs have no idea how to fight!   They run away from their natural predators.  When’s the last time anyone caught a cheetah?  They lose up to 50% of their kills to other predators (mostly those nagging hyenas) because they don’t have it in them to fight back.  They are well known to avoid competition when hunting, and, when successful, they have to immediately eat what they kill or risk losing it.

Hippos?  Well, Brian, they’re just shithouse crazy.  Hippos regularly attack crocodiles, boats, humans, and anything else that comes too close.  They are simply aggressive by nature.  Not to mention the fact that they are retromingent and have a tendency to defecate in as wide an area as possible to mark territory.

And finally, not only is the hippo much larger and far more aggressive, he is able to compete both on land and in water.  The cheetah only swims when absolutely necessary, and has dismal form when doing so.

Ultimately, what we have here is a mismatch of epic proportions.

Let’s picture each scene:  On land, the cheetah’s only chance is to get on the hippo’s back and try to tear into the back of the neck to damage his spinal cord.  The hippo’s thick skin is all but impervious to this sort of advance, and he simply has to shake himself violently to throw the cheetah off.  As the cheetah closes in, the hippo simply swings his hips or turns his head away to ward off the attack.  With every advance, the hippo simply adjusts his stance and the cheetah bounces off.  (Of course, if the cheetah makes even a single error in judgement and ends up sprawled on his side, the hippo – with a surprising bust of his own quickness- will stomp down on the cheetah, crushing internal organs and possibly killing him instantly.)

This goes on for three minutes, the bell rings, and we’ve seen a little something that actually originated in Zaire – the Rope A Dope – played to perfection.

As soon as these warriors move to the water, the end is nigh.  The cheetah flails wildly in an attempt to keep his head above water at all costs, and the hippo calmly submerges himself and then pushes off from the bottom, hurtling himself toward the wild eyed, panicking cat.  As the hippo opens his ludicrously large mouth full of those insanely oversized teeth, chomps down on the cheetah’s leg, and drags the poor cat underwater with him, it’s over.  The cheetah has no concept of holding his breath.  He is drowned almost instantly.

The cheetah’s trainer throws in the towel, and the crowd erupts in cheers – Hippo, Boom Ba Yay!

SG

Hey Steve

What is worse, playing a gig while really sick, or playing a gig 2-3 hours into a hallucination?

Brian

Brian

Playing while really sick is way worse.  You have to trudge through hell, trying not to puke all over yourself, and you don’t have the benefit of being able to feel cool later when you say “yeah, but I was trippin’ balls out there!” as a response to a comment on how poorly you played.

Truth be told, I have played many a really sick gig, most memorably in Argentina back in January of ’96. That was truly an exercise in torture.  The triple digit temperatures combined with my “damn the torpedoes” attitude at a local restaurant the night before combined to damn near kill me.

I have never, however,  played a gig 2-3 hours into a hallucination.  I have played a gig 23 hours into a hallucination, and that actually wasn’t so bad for me.  I enjoyed myself.  The fine folks on hand that night at Elysee Montmarte in February of ’97 didn’t seem to mind, either.  Go ahead and find that gig if you like, and give it a listen.  As you do, picture me sitting there throughout the entire gig with these issues burning through my brain:

1) What song are we playing?

2) What verse in that song are we playing?

3) What song was it again?

4) Why do the French have so many verbs that require etre as the auxiliary verb in the passe compose?  What were they thinking?  What’s that acronym with all those verbs?  DR&MRS VANDERTRAMP?  Is that it?  I think so!  Ha Ha!  That’s it!

Descendre!

Rester!

Aller!

Partir!

Entrer!

Retourner!

Sortir!

Venir!

Arriver!

Naitre!

And a few more, which I can’t think of right now, but that’s okay!

Who knows French?  I know French, baby!  This is so cool!

5) What song are we playing??   One Mirror Too Many?   Still?  We’re still on the first song?  Mon dieu!

Good times, indeed.

SG

Dear Steve,

My singer is constantly telling me to be more like you. Even suggesting that i change my bass drum head to “Gorman for strength”. How can i get her to shut up? Lets face it, there’s only one Steve, and you cannot be duplicated. Maybe you could tell her, as im sure she reads your responses daily.

Thanks,

Abused drummer

Abused Drummer

Tell her to be more like Janis Joplin.

Then, ignore her response.  If she presses the issue, just smile a lot and nod.  The more she talks, the more you smile.  The angrier she gets, the happier you get.  No explanation needed.  Just play the best you can and keep smiling and chuckling.

I have yet to meet a woman, or a singer, that can deal with being laughed at.

I believe it was the good Reverend Dr. King who said “A man can’t ride your back unless it’s bent”. The same goes for women and singers.

SG

Steve

Will I ever feel like looking for work?

I need to know.  Right now, I don’t.

Thanks.

Legal Step

Legal Step

No, of course not.

No one ever feels like looking for work.  People usually make the decision to look for work based on the fact that they enjoy both shelter and food – not to mention the inherent self respect that comes from seeking, and hopefully attaining, gainful employment.

What you feel like doing is inconsequential.  What you do is pretty much all that matters.

This ain’t the 60′s, dude.

SG