Greetings from Spokane, my favorite rhythm keeper -
I’m going back to school to get my master’s degree in elementary education.
In doing so, I decided to go incognito, cut off my hair, and fly my freak flag on the inside for a while. Do you think less of me now?
Love, Jer
Jer
I think more of you.
We’ll never have enough teachers.
Way to go!
SG
Dear Steve,
I would first like to thank you for resurrecting your fine column, the world been devoid of your sage advice for much too long. The depth and breadth of your knowledge seemingly knows no boundaries. However, amongst all the insightful counsel you provide to your admirers, followers, and wisdome seekers, one crucial question seems to go by unanswered.
My question to you is simply, “What’s wrong with Steve?”
Sincerely,
Tim
Tim
Thank you for asking.
After a great deal of thought and consideration of all that’s wrong in the world today, I am happy to let you know that there are exactly two things wrong with me.
1) I am unable to control my outrage at other drivers that don’t turn their headlights on when it rains. I wish I could let it drop, but I can’t. Clearly, I have a problem here.
But, seriously, why is this so hard for people? If it’s raining, turn your headlights on! I know you can still see, nimrod, but the point here is that with your headlights on, the person in front of you can see you in his mirror, and the people behind you can see your rear lights. Get it? Are you worried that you’ll burn out a headlight? Get over it. You know how long a headlight lasts? Long enough so that people have come up with road games revolving around the sighting of a car with a headlight out! That’s how long a headlight lasts!
2) I am unable to control my outrage at people who still haven’t figured out elevator etiquette. I wish I could let it drop, but I can’t. Clearly, I have a problem here.
If you are waiting for an elevator, the folks already in that elevator get off first, before you get on. Think about it for a sec, because obviously this is rocket science to many traveling adults in this country. It’s a small box. People are eager to get out of that box. Step back, and let them off before you charge forward to get to that precious spot in the back corner. I will continue to forcefully explain this to every person I physically restrain from entering elevators that I am trying to exit. I will never apologize, and in fact, you should consider yourself lucky that all I did was put my hand on your chest to stop your advance this morning at 8:45 am in Palm Beach, Mr. Khaki Short Wearing Premature Male Pattern Baldness Blackberry Jerk.
SG
Dear Steve
What’s the deal with sexting?
Is it really a thing?
A-Dad
A-Dad
Yeah, of course it’s a real thing. Everybody’s doing it – why do you think cell phone repair shops are so busy all the time? You need a real pro to get that stuff off a phone. Tiny little steel brushes, Q tips, maybe some Formula 409…nasty business for sure.
SG
Sup playboy,
I got a quick question. I have been talking to a co-worker and I went to her house last weekend, and we hung out and now she is feeling more for me than I am for her. The kicker is I never saw a co-worker outside of work, and I do dig her shes a cool cat but I am just not wanting a relationship right now.
Please help a brother out.
Jon
Jon
As crazy as this may sound, I would suggest a little something they call “honesty”. Tell this co-worker the same things you told me.
Tell her that you dig her, and she’s a cool cat, but you don’t want a relationship right now. You can’t go forward with a new relationship and have any hopes of it being successful if your heart genuinely isn’t into the idea. To do anything else would be a lie and therefore destined to fail.
Chances are she’ll understand and appreciate your honesty. She’ll be grateful that you spoke to her directly and gave her credit for being an adult.
Or, not.
SG
Steve
I’m in love with a married woman and her husband is a dick, she cries all
the time. Is it wrong of me to try to split them up because I know I’m a
better man than he is?
Texas Pete
Texas Pete
Of course it’s wrong, jackass!
Whether or not you agree with the commitments and life choices that others have made, you should respect them, plain and simple.
They got into this mess, and if anyone gets them out of it, it should be them.
You need to drop the Iago role, or the Dudley Do-Right role, or whatever role you were playing that led you to pursue your emotional attachment to someone else’s wife in the first place.
But, there’s also another and far more important reason to drop this mess right here and now: You can do better.
You would do better finding a woman who didn’t marry a “dick” in the first place.
You would do better finding a woman who has a better sense of who she is and what she wants.
You would do better finding a woman who likes you for you, and not simply because you’re not her current substandard husband.
This woman ain’t made of clay, and you ain’t God. Don’t try to fix what you didn’t break.
Sorry, man, that’s just how I see it.
SG
Steve,
Pete, your manager here. I pray that I’m not disturbing you as I realize
you have a considerable amount on your plate right now; fiddling with new
drumsticks, walking in circles as you stare at the compass feature on your
iPhone, festooning the band with projectiled saliva while screaming at the
bus plasma during every soccer match…but nevertheless, I was hopeful you
would unselfishly take a moment out of your hectic day and shed some light on this issue. Talent aside, given the constantly changing musical
environment and the unforeseen issues people experience personally, how is it even remotely possible that this journey of ours has lasted twenty years?
I mean, come on, let’s face it….what are the odds?
Secondly, if you have time, let me ask you this:
Last month, at Wolftrap in Vienna, at the end of the set, you sprinted
in my direction and graciously bestowed upon me a congratulatory hug to
commemorate the beginning of yet another tour.
My question is this: how would you suggest I remove your sweat stains from
my shirt?
Best.
Pete
Pete
Thanks for taking the time to contact me in such a personal manner. If you should choose to return any of the many, many unanswered phone calls I have attempted, I would be appreciative. Or, if you happen to respond to even one of the dozens of emails I have sent your way (several marked “Last chance! Lawyers say no more delays!”), that would also be welcomed graciously.
Apparently you find humor in the little things about my life that make me…well, me. You mock my new phone’s compass feature, but fail to acknowledge that in the last six weeks, I haven’t bothered a single person with my nagging questions about which way the Mecca is. (It’s important for a man of my faith to always have a handle on the true direction of Highbury.)
And, since you threw it out there, I’ll have you know that soccer is a sport of true passion, both for player and fan – and the band long ago learned to ignore the choices I make where saliva is concerned, thank you very much.
But down to business, Pete. I have been asked that same question many times in the past few months by journalists attempting to understand how it is that we have managed to stick around this long and, in the eyes of many, be better than ever twenty years into our journey together.
And, Pete, my answer is both profound and simple: My drumming makes people feel better about themselves.
When you’re feeling down, and someone puts on “Gone”, or No Speak No Slave”, or lately maybe it’s “Make Glad”, you feel a whole lot better pretty quickly, don’t you? Of course you do. But have you ever stopped to think about why that was? It sure as hell wasn’t the lyrics or the melodies! God knows that it wasn’t the open tunings or the dynamic band interplay that so much credit is given to around here. It was ME and what I was doing back there on the drums, silly!
Now, don’t go around beating yourself up for not realizing this before. It’s all just a part of the magic of me, Pete. I weave in the good vibes in such a way that few can trace the source.
I know that it’s good to have than answer – and for the internal warmth you’re now feeling, you are most welcome.
Now, as for your shirt and what to do about my sweat stains – you’re missing something pretty special here, Pete. Those are no longer “my” sweat stains. For now and evermore, those are “your” sweat stains. To attempt removal of these precious stains is not only an insult to my feelings for you, but also a gesture of futility. Many have tried, and all have failed.
Of course, if you still don’t see the value in what I have bestowed upon you, why not put that badboy up on Ebay? Word on the street is that my socks from the Westbury gig went for just under a grand. A quality, handmade garment from a boutique shop like the kind you frequent could hit five figures.
Again, you’re welcome.
SG
Steve,
When should I consider the left-over Chinese food in my fridge “bad?”
Truman
Truman
Assuming your fridge remains connected to a power source, never.
The Chinese made the Great Wall well over a million years ago, and had acupuncture up and running not long after that.
It’s all about the long haul with the Chinese, and that’s why they’re gonna win the big one sooner or later. It’s not gonna be pretty around here when it happens, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Until then, though, enjoy them fixins!
SG
Steve,
I’m in the process of painting the exterior of my house with an oil based
paint. Whats the best way to clean 3″ – 4″ angular brushes after using oil
based paints? I can’t seem to get all the paint out and end up spending
more money on brushes then paint.
Also, what are the chances of Lance Armstrong winning the tour in 2010?
Matt
Matt
It’s pretty simple. You need some paint thinner, and you need some time.
Pour a little of the thinner into the bottom of a bucket. Lay the brush on its side, and swish the bucket around so the brush gets completely soaked from the paint thinner. Flip the brush over a few times. (It’ll muddy up the thinner pretty quickly.) Pour it out, and repeat the process. You’ll have to do this several times, maybe a dozen, before the brush is totally cleared out. Don’t put a lot of thinner in the bucket or you’ll just waste it. Just pour enough to do the job each time. Eventually, the thinner will remain totally clear and then you’re good to go, once the brush has dried completely, of course.
As for part two, there’s a little tournament called the World Cup going on in 2010, which means that the Tour de France will mean even less to me than usual, if that’s even possible. Is there a word that represents “less than non-existant”?
But, since you’ve pressed, I would say that if Lance continues to dope himself like a madman and get away with it as successfully as he always has, there’s no reason to think he can’t win that adorable little yellow shirt again.
SG