What's Wrong With Steve?

Hey Steve

Hypothetical: It’s the mid-nineties. Jimmy Page*  and Les Claypool**  offer you the chance to join them to form the greatest supergroup power trio in the history of rock and/or roll. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for you and a dream come true. However, taking the job means screwing over the other guys in the Crowes as well as your loyal and adoring fans to whom you mean so much.

What decision do you make?

How do you handle it?

Chuck in Atlanta

*  or Eric Clapton or “insert-your-favorite-living-guitarist-at-the-time here”

**  or John Entwistle or Phil Lesh or “insert-your-favorite-living-bassist-at-the-time- here”

Chuck

My mantra has always been, “Life Rewards Action”.  Therefore, I jump ship.

The decision takes four seconds.  One to decide, and three to act like I am struggling with it.

I handle it like I handle all major decisions in life – without a second thought and with absolutely no looking back.

Oh, and of course, I get on a conference call with the boys and say something heartfelt and sensitive like, “I’ll be taking my talents to the United Kingdom”.  I mean, who could have a problem with me saying something like that?

SG

Steve,

I was just watching an old clip of the band on You Tube performing “Hard to Handle” from 1990.

Here is the clip to give you a reference point:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKy7kU5CG8w

Watching this clip, I can’t help but notice your cymbals are incredibly high above your head. I mean, really high up there! Almost as High as the Moon, to coin a phrase. Pun intended.

Why are your cymbals so much lower these days?

Cheers!

Doug

Doug

Well, that whole thing was one of a great number of side effects from having been born without elbows.  It made a lot of the “simple things” in life quite a challenge.  Thanks to corrective surgery in late 1991, I was able to bring those cymbals back down to earth where they remain quite comfortably to this day, thank you very much.

Wait…hold on.

Actually, that’s not true.  I was born with, and still have, two very active elbows.  The truth is…..well….I thought it looked cool.  Then, after a while, it dawned on me that instead of those cymbals looking cool way up there, they looked asinine and desperate.  (While we’re at it, let’s just ignore the hat, please)

As we all know, there’s a thin line between cool and forever embarrassing -  a line I hope never to walk again.

SG

Dear Mr. Gorman,

Long time listener and reader.:)

Ok, now that that is out of the way, I have a few questions about friendships and marriage:

I myself am married happily, but I know of two couples that are about to walk down the aisle and I am concerned for them.

1st couple- My hubby’s friend is the groom and recently we found out that he cheated on his fiancee once and is wanting to have an affair with someone else before he is married. (He doesn’t know that we know.)

I just want to know why do folks have this attitude that it is ok to do this before walking down the aisle?   It doesn’t absolve the fact that one has cheated just b/c they’ve already stuck a ring on right? Also, are you suppose to even say anything?  I mean I’m not that close to either one, but feel that it is not right to let them commit to a lie.

2nd couple- They are getting married in a year and I am the Matron of Honor. Well recently the groom to be was caught internet sexting and calling some old lady to have explicit conversations. Now they are going to counseling for this because my friend does love him and is going to give him a second chance, which I think is good.

Why would he consider this not cheating in the first place?

And also if I don’t feel comfortable still being Matron of Honor when the time comes is it worse for me to step down or be the best friend and stick beside her?

Sorry for all the crazy questions, but thank you in advance.

Perplexed in Tex

Perplexed in Tex

I appreciate your concern for these two couples, and I agree that there is plenty to be concerned about.  However, Perplexed, these are not YOUR concerns.

These people are in their own relationships in their own lives.  Good people make bad decisions, bad people make good decisions, good people make good decisions, bad people make bad decisions.  Shit happens.

Ignore the first situation entirely.  Should you say something?  Absolutely NOT.  Who told you that you were in charge of their happiness/misery?

There’s nothing to do there but make trouble, so butt out.

As for the second situation, if you are struggling with being the Matron of Honor, tell the bride to be how you feel as soon as possible.  It’s really the only way, because there’s no way in hell you’ll be able to go through the entire buildup to the big day without her figuring out that something is bugging you.  And then, about an hour before the wedding, it’ll happen.  She’ll press, and you’ll crack.  And by “crack”, I mean, you’ll explode.  It’ll be ugly.  Oh sure, you’ll feel relieved for a few seconds because you’ve gotten it off your chest, but that few seconds will give way to the rest of your life without your friend in it.   That’s just how this stuff goes.

I see it going down as follows:

Her: “You haven’t been yourself lately.  What’s wrong?”

You:  “Nothing.”

Her:  “No, honey, you can tell me….what is it?”

You:  “Nothing.  I am fine.  It’s your wedding day!  Don’t worry about me!”

Her:  “Are you sure?”

You:  “Of course, what could be wrong?”

Her:  “I don’t know – you just don’t seem right.”

You:  “Oh, you know, I am just so happy for you!  It’s such a beautiful dress and I remember how we always used to talk about getting married to the men of our dreams and it is just so special and I think about my wedding and how I always wanted you to find someone as wonderful as my husband and now here we are and YOU’RE MARRYING AN INTERNET PORN ADDICT WHO HAS PHONE SEX WITH OLD LADIES AND YOU COULD DO SO MUCH BETTER AND I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE MAKING ME STAND NEXT TO YOU WHILE YOU THROW YOUR LIFE DOWN THE TOILET WITH THIS CREEP WHO WILL PROBABLY SPEND THE HONEYMOON WRACKING UP A THOUSAND DOLLARS IN ROAMING CHARGES TALKING TO SOME METH-HEAD IN ABILENE THAT’S PRETENDING TO BE A NUN!”

And really, who wants that to happen?

So, clear the air up front.  Respectfully tell her your concerns and feelings, and let her know that you understand completely if she wants to change course and ask someone else to stand with her.  Maybe she will take that suggestion.  Maybe she will respect your honesty so much that she will want you up there with her more than ever.  Who knows?

Of course, you gals are in Texas, right?  She might just haul off and shoot you.  I imagine you’re packing too, so you’d probably get a shot or two in there.

Man, just imagine – a real live lady gunfight over this whole thing.  Crazy.

Tell you what – don’t say a word.  Put on that bridesmaid dress, smile for the camera, dance with your husband, have a drink, lay low.

Because, like I always say, life’s too short to get shot by your best friend over internet porn and meth-head phone sex.

SG