What's Wrong With Steve?

Hey Steve,

Do you think Rich would go for a cup of coffee or better, a beer with me when you guys are in Boston?

Do you think you guys could play Bad Luck Blue Eyes on the Oct 23rd show in Boston??

Do you think I should quit my lame desk job and move to Napa and become a wine bum???

Thanks a bunch, see you in Boston -

Noelle

Noelle

1)  Yup.  No problem.  Just tell me when and where – I’ll get him there on time and clean shaven.

2)  Yeah, sure, we could play Bad Luck Blue Eyes in Boston on Oct. 23.  Conversely, we could forget to play Bad Luck Blue Eyes in Boston on Oct. 23.  We’re kinda unreliable like that.

3)  Of course you should.  After the Red Sox dismal effort this season, that horrifying loss to the Jets yesterday, and Shaq  looming on the horizon, I’d say this is a great time to cut the cord.   And, for the record – no one moves to Napa to become a wine bum.  Long established wine bums from elsewhere simply relocate to Napa because it makes them feel less ridiculous.  It’ll be great!  Just like those guys in “Sideways”.  Man, they were having some real fun, huh?

SG

Hey Steve,

First of all let me inform you that I’m a long time rock and roller – I was 15 when Jimi died and haven’t gotten over it yet!

From the late 60′s until the present I’ve had a wide range of musical interests but my mainstays have been the likes of Jimi, Eric, The Stones, The Faces, The Allman Brothers, Zeppelin and Little Feat.

But I’m embarrassed and ashamed to admit to you, Steve, that despite hearing BC songs on the radio for years, I never paid proper attention to you guys.  It’s an oversight that I can’t explain.  Fortunately my 19 year old daughter saved me from a musical world without The Black Crowes by giving me “Before the Frost” last year.  It’s been an amazing process of discovery listening to all your music but I feel like I’ve been listening to you guys for years because I can feel the presence of some of the artists who have influenced TBC.

I’ve realized that everything about TBC is everything I’ve loved about rock and roll for over 40 years.

But let me get to my concern and question.  I feel guilty that it’s taken me soooo long to realize how special The Black Crowes are. Is it too late for me to jump on the BC bandwagon?  Will I be ridiculed for being a Johnny Come Lately, a poser?  I’ve wasted so much time.  I have tickets to see you guys in Boston on 10/23.   I’m hoping the guilt is lessened by seeing you in concert but I may just be fooling myself.

Tell me Steve –  is it too late for me to be considered a true Black Crowes fan?

Sincerely,

Guilty Over Lost Time

G.O.L.T.

If you’re a Johnny Come Lately, then rest assured that you’re my kind of Johnny Come Lately!  It’s never too late around here, my man.  The BC Bandwagon pulled up at your place, and you jumped on.  Doesn’t matter when – everyone’s time is their own.  We’re happy to have you aboard, and I sincerely hope the show in Boston does nothing to dissuade you from your recent conversion.

And, please, do yourself a favor and move beyond the guilt.

Allow me to offer you some guidance to that end, my son:  Come to the show, buy a couple dozen t-shirts, pick up a hundred or so copies of Croweology, give them to all your old rocker friends as you spread our message, knock out a dozen Hail Steve’s, and move on in a life of solace and servitude to all things BC.  You have my blessing.  Go in peace.

SG

Hi Steve,

I guess we’ve all been dodging this question for a long time.  But sometime, someone, somewhere was always going to have to broach the dreaded question.  So brace yourself, here it comes…

Van Halen….

Diamond Dave or Sammy Hagar?

Which hairy vocalist is your preference?

Before you begin wrestling with that bad boy, kudos on 20 years of cosmic freak ‘n roll, and I hope the tour and the hiatus are everything you wish them to be.

Alistair

Alistair

Dave or Sammy?  Come on, man, that’s a landslide.  Diamond Dave by a mile.

We met Dave back in the day, and I can assure you – he was EXACTLY what I was hoping he would be.  Shithouse crazy, hilariously fun, and an absolute rock star 24/7.

Look, I am not saying that I wanted to hang with Dave long term, and now that I think about it, there was a nasty episode once where he found himself facing a beatdown from all five member of The Black Crowes (true story) that was only staved off by bodyguard intervention (his) but still, all in all, Dave ruled.

And, as long as we’re on the subject, it should be noted that my favorite Alex Van Halen period is what I call the “neckbrace years”.  What the hell was that all about, anyway?

SG

Dear Steve,

How are things?

I have a couple of exciting things on the horizon over the next couple of months. Firstly I am getting married in 3 weeks to a lovely lady who I have been with over 7 years.

Secondly, we are heading over to the US to see you guys play in Los Angeles in San Francisco. Not a bad honeymoon at all. We’ve both been fans since Shake Your Money Maker.

So, with our impending nuptials, people are starting to ask about the honeymoon. Upon this questioning I proudly proclaim that we are doing a 3 week trip around California taking in a few concerts. A happy holiday for a happy couple.

However, this is where it all starts to go wrong.

Once I mention that we are staying in LA for four nights I might as well have said we have decided to bunker down in the hot fires of hell for a few days. It’s filthy, trashy, smelly place full of horrible people who don’t care about anyone but themselves, apparently. This is according to Aussies and Americans.

So my question is, why do people hate LA so much? I have been there before, I thought the people were nice, and overall the place was no worse than any other major city.

Admittedly I was there in a band, and did all of the things that a kid from “the bush” does when they are playing gigs in LA.

Could it be that the self-induced sheen of my rock and roll experience has clouded my judgment, and I am ultimately leading my bride into Mordor with palm trees?

I would like to hear the opinion of a man I can trust.

You are that man, Steve.

Dan from Brisbane

Dan

Congrats on the pending nuptials.

You can relax, my man – everything is gonna be fine.

Is LA heaven on earth?  No, of course not.  There’s bad traffic, bad smog, bad actors, bad bands – and that’s just on the drive in from LAX.  However, the Mexican food more than makes up for any of those hiccups.

San Fran?  Pshaw…no worries whatsoever.  That Zodiac guy has been gone for years.

The shows and the weather will be great.  Trust me.

And, for the record, Australians have no room to talk.  You guys live on an unbearably remote barren landmass where, if I am not mistaken, every single living animal is poisonous and lethal to humans.  Every single one!

I can’t turn on Discovery Channel without seeing another school of box jellyfish knocking off some orphans, or a storm of Redback spiders running amok in a youth hostel.

Don’t get me started on the snake thing – did you know that on a list of the top ten deadliest snakes on earth, eleven of them are in Australia?  What the fuck?

And, while we’re at it….Crocodile Dundee?

If you guys hadn’t given us AC/DC and that one radical lefty Black Crowes fan (can’t remember his name) then we’d really have nothing left to talk about.

Go to California, eat a burrito, enjoy the wildlife.

Far out, man.

SG

Steve,

Do you really believe in karma? You have the mouth of a sailor. Shouldn’t you be worried?

Lookin’ out for #1,

HG

HG

Thanks for checking up on me, but I am happy to report that I no longer have the mouth of a sailor.  Turns out it was nothing a few million milligrams of Vitamin C couldn’t take care of.  The gums are back, healthy and strong, and I can’t say enough about the advancements in dental replacement technology over the last decade.  My mouth has never been healthier!  (Of course, I probably go thru ten yards of floss a week now, but I do that with a beautiful, healthy smile on my face.)    It just blows my mind that people think of scurvy as a “thing of the past!”

Anyway, I know this much – my sailor mouth had nothing to do with karma.  This was all simple cause and effect, and I’ve learned my lesson.  You can take it to the bank when I say that you won’t find me adrift at sea for months on end with nothing but salt cured meats and dried grains ever again!

SG

Steve -

As I approach what some seem to think is a critical time in life, TURNING 40, I ask your guidance.  I have seen you guys many times since the beginning, including the 40-Watt in the Spring of ’92 warming up for the SHMC tour that blew me away, aka “Roach Clip”.

This Fall’s itinerary is as follows:

September 8th 40th Birthday

September 10th Crowes in Charleston (Front Row)

September 18th Crowes in Charlotte (Second Row)

September 19th Crowes in Asheville (Who cares what row because it’s the best damn place to see a show)

November 20th Crowes at the Tabernacle

Am I going through a mid life crisis or can I pass this off as continuing to further my education?

Best Regards,

Mike

Mike

I hadn’t thought about that Roach Clip show at the 40 Watt in a while.  Great night, that one.

Looks like you have a pretty nice run lined up for September.  Don’t sweat it.  You dig the band, you should see the shows.

Besides, you shouldn’t limit yourself by buying into the “mid-life crisis” nonsense.  This could very well be just a “1/3 life crisis”.

Then again, how do you know you’re gonna make it to 80?  What if this turns out to have been, God forbid, a “late-life crisis”?

Just sayin’.

Nothing is guaranteed for any of us,  my man.

Enjoy as many shows as you can get to!

SG

Steve

I am in a new band, and we have just started out playing gigs.  What kind of stage antics should we perform to impress the ladies as well as the media?

Jeff

Jeff

Well, when we first started out, we sat down and drew up a whole list of stage antics that we were confident could impress the ladies and media alike.  Scoff all you want, but this list single-handedly put us where we are now.  I’ll pause a moment to let that sink in.

FIRST – (and foremost) – Don’t ever go on stage in anything less than a drunken stupor.  This is very important for new bands, as it gives you an iron-clad excuse as to why you suck.  Don’t take this personally, Jeff, as all new bands inevitably suck and I am just trying to make this period of “transition” a little easier to swallow for you.

SECOND – If you start a song and realize within the first five seconds that someone is horribly out of tune, just have everyone turn up as loud as they can  for the rest of the song.  Pass it off as an experimental number.  I promise no one will know the difference.

THIRD – If the audience doesn’t seem to be rocking out to the level you were expecting, then simply start playing everything faster and faster until they have no choice.  Speed is never a substitute for a good, solid groove, but what the hell do you know; you just got started, and well, these things take time.

FOURTH – Play in your home town as seldom as possible.  No one knows who you are somewhere else.  I can’t stress the importance of this enough.

FIFTH – Get comfortable saying the following:

1)  “We’re really thirsty up here”.

2) “Who’s more stupid – us for doing this, or y’all for sitting through it?”

3) “Who passed out the free downers to everyone?”

4)  “I never really talked to my Dad…..that’s what this next one’s about.”

5) “Anybody got extra floor space for tonight?”

SIXTH – When you do eventually have a run-in with the local media jerk who rags your band all the time, say something like, “You’re just pissed off because not only am I in a band, which you’ll never be, but I am also a better writer than you, which is something you just pretend to be”. I still get a kick out of that one.

I am confident you will find success with these suggestions.  There are plenty more, but those only come in due time, when you are ready, grasshopper.

SG

Dear Steve,

I was playing a local establishment here in Richmond VA, a little  place called the Playing Field. And as our band was taking a short set break, a bald man walks up to me and told me that he really thought we kicked ass. He was saying that we really had our stuff together and that his uncle was the drummer from the Black Crowes.

In complete awe I blurted out, “Holy shit your uncle is Steve Gorman?” and proceeded to show him my new Black Crowes tattoo. He was explaining how you’d been in the establishment before and seen some bands before there. He also said you were doing some benefit shows in the Richmond area. He was on the way out, but before he could go my band (The Lost Vagabonds by the way) went into a raunchy jammed up version of Hard to Handle.

As he was leaving he told me to mention some sort of racing boats to you if I ever met you, I was unsure as to what all he said. Anyway I wanted to know if this guy was legit or not, and if so how hard would it be for you to see my band play on August 26th at the Playing Field.

Either way keep rocking man, I’m looking forward to this tour, I know

it’ll be awesome.

Best wishes,

Chip

Chip

No, no no no.

This man is a liar.  None of this is true.  None of my nephews are bald.  I have never been to that club.  I haven’t played benefits in the Richmond area.  I know nothing about racing boats.  I obviously missed your show on August 26th.  Sorry.

However, I think you should keep that information to yourself.  If you see this guy again, you should tell him that you wrote to me and I confirmed that yes, he was my nephew, and that I warned you to steer clear of him…..he’s a con artist, a known identity thief, and wanted in four states for grand theft auto.  Why not?  Have some fun with this jackass.

Lemme know how it goes.

SG

Hi Steve!!

After leaving a show this past Friday in Indiana, I tossed and turned all evening and knew that I had to ask you this question:

What kind of hair products does Sven use?

I cannot believe the condition and sheer volume of his hair.  Now I realize that all the guys in the band have some serious locks, but after playing in a small club that was hotter than the gates of hell, everyone in the band’s hair was a sweaty stringy mess except for Sven.  He looked like he just came out from under the dryer at a salon.

So I thought to myself, “no way will his hair withstand the sheer nasty humidity and chance of rain at tomorrow evenings show in Michigan.  It will be frizzy and out of control.”

Nope.

Perfect.

I have never seen anything like it!

Thanks for your attention to this matter!

Alison in Illinois

Alison in Illinois

Sven is, and has always been, a man of mystery.

One must always consider very carefully how to approach him, if at all, especially on such a personal issue.

It probably seems like a simple Q and A to you, but if I were to ask him point blank, I assure you the answer would be a deafening moment or two of silence followed by an icily delivered, “Are you serious?”.  He would then turn away dismissively and mutter something under his breath in German.  And, of course he’d get that look where his eyes literally turn jet black.  I have known the man for 23 years and that look still freaks me out.  Scary stuff.

It’s just not worth it.

All is not lost, however.  I snuck a few whiffs of that teutonic lion’s mane recently and discovered that it’s Herbal Essence, the shampoo that compels those using it to tell two friends about it, who will in turn tell two friends, and so on, and so on.  Hardly surprising, now that I think about it, as Sven has long been known as an “old school” kind of guy.

(Man, I remember when Herbal Essence first hit the scene.  I was all over it.  No more Suave for me.  No, sir.  I am sure that the ladies of a certain school in southern Kentucky also remember it, especially at a certain Sadie Hawkins Dance where a certain someone had to beat them off with a stick thanks to the effects of Herbal Essence on a certain someone’s “wings” haircut.  But, that’s another story for another day.)

SG

Dear Steve

I have a problem and I need to seek your council for help.

On November 20th of this year, my favorite band, The Black Crowes, is playing at the Tabernacle – the same night that my wife’s favorite band, Celtic Thunder, is playing at the Fox.  My wife and I have 2 small kids and the only time we’re able to go out is on Saturday nights, which means me going to the Friday Crowes show is out of the question.

I cannot conceive of a solution to this problem that will not result in a lifetime of mutual hatred and bitter resentment which will ultimately tear our marriage and our lives apart.

How would you handle this dilemma?

Help me Steve. You got me into this mess. Now help me get out.

Chuck

PS. Do you remember the time I drunkenly and obnoxiously accosted you after a show in Rockford, Illinois in 2001? I hope not. I still feel kinda bad about that.

Chuck

Yes, I do remember that encounter in Rockford.  I know you think I am kidding, but I assure you that I am not.  You were, truly, THAT obnoxious.  But don’t worry, as you are long since forgiven.  I too was drunk once, and I too found myself acting  kinda silly.    Live and learn.

A few questions:

1)  If Celtic Thunder (whatever that is – sounds like an Irish male stripper review to me) wasn’t in town that night, would your wife be with you at the BC gig?

2)  If the BC weren’t playing, would you be with your wife watching those pasty skinned drunks strut around with their blarney stones a swingin’?

3)  Finally, are you guys handcuffed together?  Can no one find a key to unlock those things?

Because if not, here’s how I would handle it:  I’d go to the Tabernacle, and my wife would go to the Fox.  I’d have a good time seeing my favorite band, and she would have a good time seeing her favorite, um, whatever the hell it is.  Maybe we would have friends with us, maybe we’d go solo.  Maybe one of us would be with friends and the other solo.  Who knows?  Doesn’t really matter.  We’d both be having fun!   We’d both get home late, climb into bed and exchange the details of our respective nights, and eventually fall asleep, content in the knowledge that our relationship is strong enough to handle the incredible strain put upon it by a night spent exactly 1.4 miles apart having separate good times.  Crazy, huh?

The fact that this solution might lead to a “lifetime of mutual hatred and bitter resentment” isn’t really something I feel comfortable commenting on, because you didn’t ask me how to handle that.   You asked me to help you with one specific night, and I have done so.  Because, you know, I’d never be one to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong.  Like say, into someone’s marriage, leading me to speculate that the marriage in question is clearly built upon insecurity, jealousy, self loathing, and confused feelings that probably made sense in adolescence but no longer carry any shred of relevance.

No, sir, I’d never do that.

But, if you’d like me to help in that regard, then by all means write back.  I am here for you, man!

See you at the show!

SG