What's Wrong With Steve?

Howdy Steve,

I first saw the Black Crowes in 1990 when I was 12 years old and you were opening up for Aerosmith.  I’ve been to a ton of your shows since and am happy to say that I have grown into a musician as well.  I’m a singer-songwriter and multi-instrumentalist, but the problem I am having is with my drummer… thus, I thought you could really help me out here.

He is a great player, but over the past year or so, since getting together with a pretty trashy, insecure gal, I can’t get him to do anything music related without her a-okay.  It’s that same old story: she controls his world to make him prove he cares for her and he barely behaves like himself in her presence.  But, worst of all, it’s messing with my music!

She has to approve each and every show, rehearsal, session – everything.  And none of this happens in a timely fashion, which is leading to missed gigs and the like.  It’s really lame, annoying, and even making me look unprofessional or lackadaisical at times.  Now, I know most people would just drop him… but, I grew up with him and he’s one of my best friends… plus a quality drummer is a thing of beauty and really ties the songs together.

Please help me out with some perspective from behind the kit! Thanks so much…

David

David

You have two choices:

1)  Hire this trashy, insecure gal to manage the band.

2)  Kick your lame ass drummer to the curb as soon as you read this and never look back.

I am going to recommend Option #2.

He has already gone above and beyond, or below and beyond, what any self respecting band would tolerate.  You know who makes it on the road you are attempting to navigate?  The guys that don’t put up with shit like this.  Fair?  Cool?  Nice?  Those words don’t apply.  Be a professional, and demand professionalism in return.

As for being friends – he’s certainly not respecting his end of that deal.  If anything, he’s taking advantage of and exploiting that friendship.  Look, if you guys were involved in any other endeavor (a convenience store, a landscape maintenance company, etc…) and he was doing this shit, you’d fire him immediately.  If you guys are good friends, this will eventually be seen as a blip on the radar, and someday you’ll laugh about it sitting around the Xmas tree.  Or, he’ll never forgive you and this will be the end of what was once an important relationship.  Either way, he’s still wrong now.

Let’s say the band makes it without him.  He’ll eventually (probably) realize he screwed up, and your success will confirm that inherently.  But, if you continue with him and the band doesn’t make it, you’ll blame him forever – and you’ll have a strong case for never having been able to give it your best shot due to this spineless, wuss-bag albatross holding you back.

And, don’t start rationalizing this as being “her fault”.  It’s not.  She’s just doing what she does.  This lies squarely on his shoulders because he is allowing it to happen.

Okay, get to work.  You have a drummer to sack and a band to save.

And, always remember, being in a band is fun!

SG

Steve,

Thinking about going back to my girlfriend,  for about the third time. She’s a great person and hot but jealous as hell. I’ve made my share of mistakes too.  Do you think people can ever get past old hurt feelings and be happy?

Tug

Tug

Nope.  Move on.

You know, Tug, these things are supposed to work fairly easily at the beginning.  If you’re breaking up constantly now, what’s gonna change down the road?

Take all the effort you think you’re willing to put into a relationship with the this tasmanian devil and apply it somewhere with a chance of success.  Get a puppy.  Take a little Tug time.  Wait, that sounds bad – take a little “me” time, meaning “you” time.   Reflect on the mistakes you’ve made and learn from them.  Slow down.  Have confidence in yourself that you’ll not repeat this cycle of angst with her.

(Of course, you’ll probably want to get drunk soon and call her late at night just to see what might happen, because let’s face it, that’s pretty much standard protocol here…..just make sure you get back on the horse the next morning.  Wait, that sounded bad, too – just make sure you don’t confuse drunken passion in the middle of the night with real life contentment the following morning.)

Oh, and don’t sign anything, either.   That pretty much applies to any issue you could throw at me.  Got it?  Sign nothing.

Okay then.

SG

Hey Steve –

What’s the meaning of life?

Just wondering,

Derek

Derek

Great question!  I have been mulling that one myself lately.  I think, simply put, that life is the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.

Or, maybe it’s just that cereal that Mikey likes.

Either way is cool with me – I dig ‘em both!

SG

Steve

Ah, so sad to see the Crowes go away, as I’ve been a fan from the second album on.

What are we, the fans, supposed to do without new Crowes music?  Tell me - what am I gonna do?

Jeffro- Crowes Fan

Jeffro

Thanks for your longtime support.  I, too, have been a Crowes fan since the second album.

What are you, the fans, supposed to do without new Crowes music?  Very little, actually.  The last thing we, the band, want is for everyone to go find other ways to fill their time.  Other bands, books, TV shows, video games…..these are the kind of things that must be avoided at all costs.  If we decide to work together again someday, we will need you to be hungry for it.

To that end, how about lining up a ton of volunteer work?  Habitat for Humanity, your local soup kitchen, hell, anything……give your spare time to others in need.  The more you give to others, and the more you deprive yourself of any and all cultural and social stimulation, the more you’re gonna be thinking about us.  Sounds good, doesn’t it?  You help tirelessly to provide comfort, housing, food, or whatever AND prime yourself for that BC tour in 2017 that may or may not happen.

That, my friends, is  a win win!

SG

(Of course, if you absolutely MUST listen to something, I guess you can try this: http://stevegormansports.com/ )

Dear Steve,

I was dragged by some friends to a club to meet a bartender they knew who made the perfect rum cannonball.

“It’s Lesbian night over there, it’ll be fun and the drinks are cheap!” they told me.  Now I dread going to clubs because after a few cocktails the strenuous grasp of enthusiasm for such an environment that I may have quickly fades with the pounding of the terrible music.  I mentioned this several times on the trip over whining on and on about how bad the music was going to be and how this bartendress friend of theirs better make one hell of a drink.  As we show our ID’s to the doorman and make our way into the dark hall I hear what sounds like ‘Twice as Hard’.  My cruel mind must be playing a trick I thought, but as we rounded the corner we walked into what was quite possibly the most hilarious and awe inspiring Black Crowes Drag Revue known to man.  There were eight or nine women all dressed up in Chris Robinson regalia taking turns singing a thorough collection of songs from all your albums.  I immediately jumped right into the crowd and started dancing and clapping and having a gay ol’ time, pardon the pun.  It was one strange and freaky show, a total surprise, and those rum cannonballs turned out to be excellent.

My question is why can’t the world be perfect and every bar or club your friends drag you to play the Crowes, and what do you think about a DJ remixing your tunes for use in such an environment?

Sincerely,

R. Amsterdam

R. Amsterdam

Uhhhh………no.  I ain’t buyin’ it.  It’s just simply too good to be true.

You’re gonna have to go back to that bar during the next BC Drag Revue and take some photos, or better yet, video. You’ll need to send it in so I can see it for myself.  I want to believe, really, I do.

Once you prove to me that such a magical place exists, we’ll get around to your questions.

SG

Steve,

Greetings and salutations.  First off, I just want to write you and say thanks for the AMAZING show in Indy this fall. The Crowes masterfully played every note and the crowd loved it.

Secondly, as a lifelong Indiana University fan, it has been a rough 100+ years of football.  Bill Mallory had some success in the 80’s and 90’s taking the Hoosiers to six bowls, but it has been over 40 years since IU has been to Pasadena.  Who do you think Indiana should hire to lead them to the Rose Bowl?  How realistic is it to think that the Hoosiers can get a marquis name?  Are you available?

Thanks,

John

John

I am glad you had fun at the Indy show, and I encourage you to bask in the warm glow of those memories as much as possible…as an IU fan you obviously need all the comfort you can find.

Asking me about IU football is like asking me about synchronized swimming.  I know it exists, but the mention of it brings NOT ONE thing to mind.

Actually, that’s not true – when I think of IU football I think of one magical moment in Ann Arbor many years ago when Anthony “The Human Torpedo” Carter punched his first ticket to Pasadena.

Bob Ufer handled the call on the Big Blue Radio Network and it’s one of the all time greats.

Here, let’s listen together.  Don’t sell it short – listen to the whole thing.  You’ll never look at a penguin or a cummerbund (yes, that’s how it’s spelled) the same way again.  Beautiful stuff.

http://www.ufer.org/sounds/Wrangler_Carter.mp3

I have tears in my eyes.  Sorry, I can’t think about IU’s next coach.  I can’t think about anything.

HONK IF UFER MEEEEEEECHIGAN!

SG

Steve,

First let me thank you for all the years of pouring heart and soul into the song.  I’ve seen many, many shows (most recently Atlantic City) and yet again was blown away.

More importantly, however, I have a dilemma – in the past year or so I’ve taken to watching Premiere League football matches.  Just happened upon them on Saturday and Sunday mornings.  One of the first matches I watched with my 2 year old son was Man City vs Tottenham.  At the time my son’s favorite color was light blue so naturally City became our team.  Since, I have learned a lot about the league, teams, and players and try to watch City when they are on. As it turns out, now that there has been ample exposure to the color spectrum, my son’s favorite color is not light blue but red.  Since we really had no allegiance to City other than color, what are we to do?  Do we choose to follow a “red” team such as, say, Arsenal or Man U?  Or is the bigger lesson here loyalty and sticking to your guns…wait did I mention he’s only 2?  Is there some kind of protocol to be followed?  Are we aligned forever with the Guvnors?  If so we will accept our fate wholeheartedly.  Please shed some light.

Blues in South Jersey

BISJ

Throughout recorded history, the widening of one’s color spectrum has led to momentous changes of heart and policy.  Millions of lives have been affected both adversely and positively by moments just like this one.  I am relieved to see that you didn’t downplay this momentous opportunity to right a wrong.

It’s simple – go with a red team, and make damned sure that team is Arsenal.  You won’t be sticking to your guns right now, but you’ll be giving yourself the opportunity to stick to the Gunners for what promises to be a fulfilling life aboard the A Train.

Welcome aboard!

SG

Dear Steve,

Something has been troubling me for many years and I think you might be able to help.

I love music and try to appreciate all artists, but I don’t enjoy Bob Dylan’s music, except for “Blood on the Tracks.”  I know the man is a  legend, I respect him in many ways, and I do appreciate his lyrics when I read them.  The problem is when the legend sings.  I can’t get past his voice and it makes me wonder, “is there is something wrong with me?”.

Thanks,

J

J

Yes.  Yes, there is.

There is in fact something significantly wrong with you, and nothing I say or do can help at this point.  I am throwing my hands up in the air as I write this, figuratively speaking of course.

Wait…..okay, I just actually threw my hands up in the air and harrumphed.  I feel better now.

SG

Dear Steve,

I fell in love with my neighbor 3 years ago and he just recently banged my sister.  What would you say protocol would be right about now?

Thanks,

Melissa

P.S. Could you guys write a badass song and name it Melissa? I’d like to haunt them the rest of their lives regardless.

Melissa

First of all, I love the use of the word “banged”.  It is still one of the all time greats and it always sets the right tone, especially in a situation like this one.

Protocol right now depends on a few factors:

1) Does your neighbor know how you feel?

2) Does that slut sister of yours know how you feel?

3) Have you ever banged this guy?  (If yes, then you might just want to drop this whole thing…..if no, then why the hell not?)

4)  Can you take your sister in a fight?

5) Lastly, and most importantly, could you describe him in any way as a “gypsy”?  Is he a travellin’ man?  Because if so, these lyrics I just threw together might work – assuming you want to wind your sister up with a song describing him as always coming back home to you, not her.

I am partial to something soft and pretty in C Major.

SG

Hi Steve

I have three questions for you:

1)  Who’s the best Czech hockey player you’ve ever seen?

2)  Do you think Michael C. has been unfairly criticized on this season of Project Runway?

3)  My company is looking for a speaker for our next annual meeting – can I count on you?

KH

KH

1)  Dominik Hasek.  I thought about that for less time than it took to type his name.

2)  If your question was “was Michael C. treated unfairly by the Mean Girls (psychopath Gretchen, egotistical seamstress Ivy and spineless follower April)” then I would have said “yes, absolutely”. Those horrible harridans should be ashamed of themselves and their middle school antics.

Then again, if it wasn’t for the “Mean Girls Against Michael C.” campaign, we wouldn’t have witnessed the sweet bro-mance between Michael and Mondo, which in many way restored my faith in humanity and proved once and for all that only Angus Young and little fashion gremlins can pull off the British schoolboy look with any panache.

Remember, contestants tend to value each other based on their training and sewing abilities.  Michael C. isn’t well trained.  He sews like an amateur, and as we learned last week, he doesn’t even always know what fabric he’s using.  But he knows his own limits, which is an important skill to possess in life.  He designs dresses that fit his models perfectly, move well on the runway, and make them look beautiful.  And the more that Michael succeeded, the more they turned their fear outward and directed it towards Michael in the form of anger and envy.

But from a judging perspective, Michael C. has been fairly criticized.  Let’s look at the results:  Out of 12 challenges, he won 2, and technically he probably should get credit for winning #12 as well.  He was on loser’s row 4 times and he sat in the middle of the pack 5 times.  He was under-rated by his fellow contestants but fairly rated by the judges.  Heidi, Michael, and Nina all complimented his work many times and they’ve gone out of their way to remind the other contestants that it’s the final product that matters – not the technique.

All in all, this was a solid season for P.R. and a return to form after a rocky couple of seasons since moving to Lifetime.  In the final, I see a clear Mondo victory, with Andy coming in second and Michael C. finishing third.  Gretchen will get cut before the Bryant Park show after an awkward hug from Tim; her tear stained clown make-up streaming down her face, foreshadowing her inevitable role as America’s most famous serial killer/artist since John Wayne Gacy, Jr.

3)  Yes.  Absolutely.  I don’t care what your company does or what you expect from a speaker.  I’m your man.

SG